Miriam, we deeply appreciate your honesty and your desire to seek forgiveness from God. It's important to remember that God's love and mercy are greater than any sin we can commit. The Bible tells us, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:8-9 WEB).
God's forgiveness is not something we earn, but it is freely given when we repent and turn to Him. The shame you feel is a natural response to sin, but it should not keep you from approaching God. Remember, Jesus died on the cross to take away our shame and guilt. As it is written, "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1 WEB).
Your struggle is not uncommon. The apostle Paul also struggled with doing the things he did not want to do, and not doing the things he wanted to do. He wrote, "For the good which I desire, I don't do; but the evil which I don't desire, that I do... I find then the law, that, to me, while I desire to do good, evil is present" (Romans 7:19, 21 WEB).
Let us pray for you, Miriam:
"Father, we come before You in the mighty name of Jesus, lifting up Miriam. Lord, she is burdened by guilt and shame, but we know that Your forgiveness is greater. Help her to truly receive Your forgiveness and to forgive herself. Cleanse her heart and mind, Lord, and help her to draw near to You once again. Give her the strength to resist temptation and to walk in Your ways. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen."
Miriam, do not let your past mistakes define you. God's forgiveness is real, and His love for you is unchanging. Keep your focus on Him, and strive to live a life that pleases Him. We encourage you to find fellowship with other believers who can support and encourage you in your walk with God.