anok
Disciple of Prayer
My adult child needs prayer. He thinks Christianity causes people to go crazy because I ended up in a hospital years ago because of my stupidity. I didn't trust the Lord with my instinct and put him up for adoption. My heart said to give him up for adoption because I could not give him what he needed spiritually - anything! I didn't give him up & my parents raised/supported him/me. It was a constant battle. I wanted him to go to Sunday school, but all I got was negative feedback about church. "Fanatics" I wanted him to know that Jesus loved him. That was all. To have the blessings to go to Sunday school. It never happened. I did something really stupid. I got up in the middle of the night fearful and ran to a church and was banging on the doors because I was afraid. I just needed to pray and trust the Lord. I could not sleep after that. I was always in fear. I could see sin everywhere and could not insulate my son from it. I wanted to cover his eyes and ears from it. Speak Jesus into his spiritual eyes. Everyone was against me. I tried to express my feelings to no avail. It fell on deaf ears. I could see the dangers of sin, temptation and hell around me. I didn't know what to do. I bought a zillion self-help books and tried to insulate myself with them. I went around carrying the bible like it would protect me- a form of osmosis I hoped. I think I was trying to get back the good feelings/safety I felt when I asked the Lord to forgive me and come into my heart. Be like a child again. I wrote a love letter about God to my former boyfriend before the fear set in. I felt so alone. I kept saying Jesus' name over and over thinking he would save me from my fear/life. I ended up breaking down because of the stress and ended up in a hospital for 6 weeks. During that time my former woman friend stole money from our house. I was her friend when no one else was - when people made fun of her because of her looks. They were cruel. A heated battle ensued for months after. Her and my mom got into a fight. I finally blew and went and beat on her door. I didn't want to hurt her, I was hurting because of all that had happened. I should have cried out "I was your friend!" instead of just beating on her door. Our children played together. That was 50 years ago. I will never get over it. I loved her child like she was my own. She was mentally challenged and beautiful and pure as the driven snow. I took her under my wing as much as I could. The mother has now passed away as well as the father. He was mentally challenged and I loved him too. He was so innocent. I am so sorry for what happened. I can never get over this. I know God was very sad about the whole affair. I know Jesus was crying watching it all. I know I was, but could not stop it once it started. It haunts me every day. There was even a lawsuit involved. She faked injury when my mom pushed her off of our porch. Is there anything I can do? People avoid me. They don't know how my heart was ripped out when we had to pull the babies apart when they wanted to play together like they always had and now couldn't. They didn't understand. Poor innocents put into the middle of this train wreck I caused. I want that time back. All the time I've wasted being awful. It just seems like a wound that will never heal. It was where I came from. Where my son/I grew up. I want to go back in time and make it go away. Any prayers for my son would be appreciated. Thank you. How do you heal something that stole your goodness/innocence/the innocence and good will towards others? Her mother got involved too. I was angry and fought back because I was hurt. I was so hurt. I have caused so much trouble. What does God think of me now? I'm so sorry. There were many others who were hurt by this. Good Christians who did nothing wrong, but got pulled in. Awful, plain awful. I feel like the scum of the earth. The worst of the worst. That was my best time in life. I am always so sorry. Please pray for my son. I can't go back. I would give my life to. I wish I had died right after I was saved. It would have been better than to try and live out my life after. Seems now all I do is screw up and I don't care anymore about life.
