Staurairia
Disciple of Prayer
My whole I have struggled with my faith and beliefs. I am always told to “give it to God” when it comes to difficult times in my life. I have prayed. I have bargained. I have prayed some more. I have begged. I have cried myself to sleep in complete torment. The results I have gotten every single time? The worst case scenario possible is what I have gotten…..yes, every single time. “God sees the big picture and knows what is best for you”. Not once has the “best for me” that I was given was actually best for me. That includes being put on streets with my 6 (at the time) year old son because his mother’s infidelity. I’m sick of suffering, the constant anguish, and feeling abandoned. I’m not Job, enough is enough. I’m told he is my father, yet he continues to allow me to endure a lifetime of suffering. If my kids were feeling the way I usually do, and I could stop it, I would. Isn’t that what a father does? I’m told to seek him in tough times with a promise of an eternity of joy? I’m sorry, but I can’t remember the last time ANYone kept a single promise to me. I’m told to keep praying. There’s power in prayer. Where? I’ve prayed. I’ve begged. I’ve prayed some more. I’ve bargained. I’ve kept praying. Nothing has ever changed. It’s still always the worst case scenario for me, no matter what I do. I’ll accept a LOT of the responsibility for where my life is right now. I’ve done some dumb things. I’ve also counted on a God to do what’s best for me and been let down….. every time. There’s power in prayer? Please, someone, show me. Pray that things start coming out in my favor. I can’t do this much longer. If he is what I’m told he is, he’ll know what I both want AND need. Sometimes that can me the same thing, believe it or not. And this has absolutely nothing to do with my son or his mother. He’s 16, lives with my parents and has given up on his mother just as she has given up on him.