If you have a perfect sex life in your marriage, good for you! Enjoy it with all the fervor and gratitude you can. For the other 99.99% percent, we will have moments, seasons, or years with challenges to having the pre-fall Eden experience that we’d love to get back to.
Hey, even the wonderfully inspiring husband and wife in the Song of Songs had moments when things didn’t go well (see SS 3:1–2, 5:2–6).
Now, I’m not saying you should put up with problems that can be resolved or addressed, but let’s talk about three areas likely to involve imperfection and how to handle them well.
Sex Desire Differences
Many times on this website and in my speaking engagements, I’ve stated that God intended sex in marriage to be mutually desired and satisfying. But I’ve started to add the point that mutually doesn’t mean equally. Just like other areas of marriage—conversation, affection, recreation, etc.—one of you may desire and enjoy the experience more than the other. No one should be expected to participate in any of those areas purely from a sense of duty, due to pressure or coercion, or based on force. But it’s okay if one of you wants and appreciates sex more than the other. In fact, it’s highly typical.
For their book, Secrets of Sex and Marriage, Shaunti Feldhahn and Michael Sytsma commissioned a survey of thousands and looked at who has the higher sexual desire in marriage. In their representative sample, 54% of husbands were higher, 24% of wives were higher, and 21% were equal.1 So only one in five couples had matched sex drives.
But even that doesn’t mean it lasts. My husband and I were matched early on in our marriage, but since kids came, we haven’t had an extended period of being equal in desire. And our story is common, with couples often reporting that desire and arousal change with body changes, life seasons, relational challenges, and more.
If you have a large desire gap or if you’re in a sexless marriage, then you should absolutely do what you can about that! But if you just don’t want sex at the same level as your spouse, that’s normal. Embrace that reality and figure out a way to engage enough that the higher desire spouse feels affirmed and the lower desire spouse feels valued.
Uncooperative Bodies
The more I learn about the human body, the more amazed I am by God’s creativity and provision. All the things that need to happen for us to complete the sexual act and reach orgasm is quite a list! And yet, couples do it every single day.
But sometimes, they don’t. Because our bodies don’t always cooperate. We live in a fallen world, meaning that these bodies—amazing as they are!—don’t always work according to the original plan.
In our sex lives, that means that wives may experience such issues as vaginal dryness, urinary tract or yeast infections, or difficulty reaching orgasm, while husbands may deal with such issues as premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. And then there are non-sexual issues that impact our sexual experience, like injuries, arthritis, chronic illness, etc. The point being that our hearts and minds may want to have sex while our bodies present barriers to success.
I’m not talking about experiencing sexual pain. If you’re having pain, do not grit your teeth and try to push through! You could damage your body and/or your heart even further. See a healthcare provider, figure out what’s going on, and seek treatment. God did not make sex to be painful, so get answers and pursue healing.
But as for the everyday challenges we face, how you address the barrier depends on what it is. Sometimes, you just have to wait until your body is ready to go again (e.g., an infection clears up). Sometimes, you can find other ways to be sexually intimate; for instance, manual stimulation rather than intercourse. Sometimes, you need to adjust how you engage, like choosing a different sexual position that doesn’t cause joint pain or discomfort (e.g., this sexual position that I got to name!).
Recognize, however, that your body won’t always be there for you the way you and your spouse may want. It’s okay. You can figure this out and still have a fabulous sex life together.
Timing Troubles
When I speak to MomCo groups, one of the most common questions I get is “With everything going on, how do we find time to make love?” That’s an excellent question for young moms. But also an excellent question for middle-aged husbands feeling the crunch of their career, parents running their older kids around everywhere, those in the sandwich generation, and wives whose retired husbands are always playing some sport like pickleball or softball. (Oh wait, is that last one just me? ~grin~)
Sometimes the issue isn’t a lack of time per se, but a lack of both being in the mood at the same time. In the introduction, I referenced the following biblical passage:
So hubby pitches the idea of sex late at night, and wife’s already in bed and thinking, Seriously, he wants me to put on my robe again, dirty my feet, and open the door so my groggy self can have sex when it would rather sleep? (I paraphrase.) By the time she decides she likes the idea after all, he’s no longer available. Talk about a missed connection! Can you relate?
Research has often shown that both higher and lower desire spouses want to have sex more than they’re having it in their marriage. One challenge is simply finding—or rather making—time to engage. Realistically, you need a 20–45 minute window to have quality sex. Now, I’m not opposed to the quickie! But a diet of quickies does not produce a satisfying sex life.
Most couples need to talk about sexual timing, especially as life becomes more complicated. Do you need to rearrange some things on the calendar? Do you need to adjust your frequency expectations during a particularly busy season that will resolve soon? Do you need to stop something else so that you can prioritize the sexual intimacy in your marriage? Do you need to spend more time on your relationship, nonsexual touch, and flirting so that you can make the best use of opportunities that arise?
Timing may not be perfect, but with intentionality and compassion for one another’s calendar challenges, you can connect more often.
Imperfect But Complete
Speaking of challenges, one of the most challenging Bible verses is Matthew 5:48: “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Say what! I’m supposed to be perfect? Like God-perfect?
I used to struggle with that verse so much, until I looked up the word translated “perfect.” It’s the Greek word teleios, and while it does mean perfect, it carries the connotation of completeness. Here are other definitions of teleios:
While we should strive for the perfection that God exemplifies, recognize that we won’t reach that perfection. But our sex lives can feel complete. When we embrace the normal imperfections, we can experience not only joy and intimacy in our marriage, but also personal growth. We become more mature individually and as a couple.
And that maturity and completeness help us weather other challenges that may come our way.
What other normal imperfections have you embraced to pursue more complete intimacy in your marriage?
If you are experiencing sexual pain, coercion, or abuse in your marriage,
that is not normal, not okay, and not God’s will. Please seek help.
- Shaunti Feldhahn and Michael Sytsma, Secrets of Sex and Marriage: 8 Surprises That Make All the Difference (Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2023), 111.
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