H0PE
Disciple of Prayer
Hi, my name is ###. I have to say that I feel very guilty getting on here and asking for prayers when I’ve never been on this page before now. I feel so selfish. But I am going to bookmark it and make sure that I come back to pray for others—just because sometimes, people need it. I’m a ###-year-old single mother of three teenagers. I am a small business owner and a writer. Right now, I’m in the process of writing a book about my journey over the past two years, dealing with the grief of the sudden loss of my boyfriend of over six years. The book is something I feel like I *need* to do because, after he died, I had no one and nothing to turn to. I want people to know that how they’re feeling is normal and that, although grief never fully goes away or *gets better*, it does become something you can learn to live with. Right after the two-year anniversary of his death, my grandfather was hospitalized with chest pain. They did a catheterization scan (or something like that) and saw that there were blockages everywhere—he needed ### stents put in. During the procedure, due to calcium buildup, they weren’t able to follow the original plan. Instead, they ended up performing a triple bypass, and now they’ll have to go back in again after some time. Following the surgery, they did a CT scan with contrast. A few hours later, my grandfather started becoming confused. He didn’t know where he was. He didn’t know why he was there. He started trying to pull out his leads and demanded answers from the nurses. When I visited him, he didn’t recognize my ###-year-old daughter. He was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago, and at that time, I asked him to promise me that he would never forget me. He promised, of course. He said, *"How could I ever forget you?"* When I visited him, I could tell he was really agitated. He had restraints on, and the first thing he said to me when I sat down next to him was, *"Do you have a knife? I need to cut myself out of here. We’ve got to get out of here!"* It was terrifying. I looked him in the eye, got him to calm down, and asked, *"Do you know who I am?"* He said, *"Of course I do!"* Then he said my full name and told me he could never forget me. But just as soon as he finished that sentence, he started talking about something completely different—things that made no sense. He was asking why children were running back and forth through his room. He told me to climb over the couch so I could unhook something, so we could push his bed through the door. He said it had been done hundreds of times and would be easy. Then he asked me again if I had a knife because we had to go. Then, suddenly, he asked why they had sold his house. He told me he was going home in the morning. It was so hard for me to hold his hand and keep reminding him that he was in the hospital. That he had driven himself there. Every once in a while, he would stop and ask, *"What’s wrong? Why are you crying?"* I would just wipe my tears and tell him I was happy that the surgery had gone well. And then, just like that, he would drift off again into confusion. This man is my world. He is the only person I have left who truly cares about me—about my well-being, my success, and my happiness. I don’t know what I will do without him. After I lost my boyfriend, I shut down for weeks. Time didn’t mean the same thing anymore. Sleep was unnecessary. Food disgusted me. But the pain... the pain was unbearable. It was crushing. It was terrifying—absolutely terrifying. I did not know how I would survive it. But here I am, two years later. And I’ve spent these past two years pushing everyone away, scared to death of... death. Of losing someone again. Of that unexplainable darkness. That disorienting, world-changing, mind-numbing, *life-destroying* darkness that follows the death of someone you love deeply. So now, I’m alone. And it’s my own fault. But I just don’t want to see *him* suffering like this. It’s terrifying. I want him to be himself again. A week ago, he was grocery shopping, visiting friends, working in his gun shop, fixing our cars—just going and going. He’s ### years old, but he acts like he’s ###. He’s always been that way. He’s always been the best person I’ve ever known, and I just don’t want him to go yet. I want more time. I have so many regrets. I *should* have spent more time with him. I *should* have made time. And now... now, he doesn’t even know where he is. Please, if you’ve read this, please pray for us. Please pray for my grandmother, too. She has been with him for ### years. Imagine the most adorable, almost *sickeningly* sweet love story you can possibly imagine. That’s my grandparents. They are like one person. Everything they do is in sync, like they talk to each other without words. Their house is one of the happiest and warmest places to be. Being around them makes you feel like maybe—just maybe—there’s still a chance for *you*, too. And now, she is beside herself. Words can’t describe what she’s feeling, what I *see* that she’s going through, how badly she’s hurting, or how scared she is. So please, keep us in your prayers. Please. And thank you so much for reading my story. — ###
I cannot thank you enough. It means so much to me, you have changed everything for me with these words.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You. Thank You for loving me. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. Bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. Bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, and Your righteousness. Help and strengthen me God to always respect and obey You. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, acknowledge You in all my ways, and lean not to my own understanding. 
