Ginger12
Disciple of Prayer
My situation is complex, basically, there is a condition that runs in my family and I am at risk for it. It is Huntingtons and of course there is no cure for it to date. This condition can cause depression (which I've had) and I am at a prime age of 40 to start seeing symptoms. But likewise, as many have said, depression can happen to a large population that has no correlation to another disease. What makes it complicated for me in not being able to isolate things is that whilst I've known that I had a grandmother who had it, I was not fully aware of where the next generation fell. In December, I went back home to the States to visit (1st time in 4 years) and I reunited after 25 years with some members of that side of the family. Unfortunately, the reunion included my aunt who informed me about my uncle's passing from it, my aunt currently suffering from it, my cousin (who is my age) who very well maybe showing signs of early onset. This reunion made me enquire with my father about my mother, who I'd been estranged from for many years and learned of her death through a complicated situation (but not the terms of her death). I found out then that she also passed from this disease which puts me at that point with a 50/50 shot (and a 75% chance it will manifest in the next 10 years). I tried to put this out my mind for the duration of the trip, despite a pit of your stomach kind of feeling but comforted myself with the belief that I wasn't acting like my mother did when I grew up and I believed also that it was likely to show up much later. When I returned home, I went about my business trying to be proactive at home (I was and am jobless) and trying to keep busy but a depression hit me and hit me hard in January. I've had depressive moments in the past as we've had a difficult life here and have moved 4 times in the space of less than 4 years and there's plenty more with joblessness times, a building project that went badly due to neighbours who have been unkind, marriage problems, family problems and a lot of isolation. But despite some really trying times in the past, I never fell into a bad depression - not like this where everything became really dark and I couldn't find happiness even in the things that I love. A few days into my depression, I went to the doctor to see about counselling. When I came home and was talking to my husband, we were trying to figure out our lives and I tried to be active again to plan out our lives. In our discussion, we discussed moving back to the States but as this disease was present in my mind, I said I don't know that I can consider such a big move again after the stressful years we've had and not knowing when this could manifest, did I really want to spend those years trying to find a way to settle down again and whilst I'd love to get away from where we live now and the neighbours, an international move is hard to do, harder than I might want to sign up for, despite the benefits of being closer to my family and friends.Well I tried to look up something about the disease and found out that depression can be an initial symptom and it can begin at 40. I didn't realise that before and well, it put me into a real state of panic and probably worsened my depression which as it had only been 3 days that I had it, may have gone away in a few more days but I'll never know because I can't change the circumstances that one thing led to another and as much as I'd like a bout of amnesia, I can't. I read obsessively about it - in hopes to find something that might give me peace but instead I probably did myself more damage in giving myself information which in a depression and later intense anxiety, wreaked havoc in my mind.After a little over a month of being in a depression, I finally - at the suggestion of the NHS counselling assessor and my husband, went to seek medication. I'd been loathe to do it as I've tried meds before...years ago for anxiety when we were moving over and it put me into a panic. Well, the first medication took about 4 days and I was in a bad state. I was trembling, panicked beyond recognition and pretty horribly traumatised by it and the things that occurred (my support structure was breaking down - my husband was frustrated and my father, in trying to help me through the panic told me some information that didn't end up being very helpful) and of course the trembling, when you are afraid of what I am, is pretty hard to rationalise. I changed my medication and started it up slowly to avoid the worst of the effects and get it into my system but I still had a lot of anxiety, would wake up at 3 or 5 in the morning, have a feeling of intense anxiety the moment I woke up (even before conscious thought came into play). I looked into acupuncture to help with some of it which sometimes helps and sometimes nothing but I still have anxiety, I have extreme muscle tension, and still some twitches (arms, legs, sometimes fingers), which may be explained by meds or anxiety or obviously it could be more. The doctor is aware of this, thinks that it is anxiety, and could check into my movements but psychologically I am not ready to do this yet as I know I am not ready to hear something that I don't want to hear and she respects that. You can also get a genetic test to know if you are going to get it it may come out clean but it is a risk and I know that this is no way for me to live a life, knowing it is coming but not knowing when. And our lives are quite stressful right now and it is nothing I can change, so I don't want to add another unchangeable bad situation to it. As no one can truly know what you're going through, it is hard to accept that it is just anxiety alone causing this...things change all the time and no one can be in your head or body to know how it is different from what you had before...heck I don't even know what was normal before as you dismiss things easily when you have no reason to fear them. Also, after increasing the frequency of my meds (as I would do alternate days and increase from there), I recently suffered with some migraines and at one point a bad buzzing ear.So as I said my situation is complicated with hearing something, having a depression, having a difficult past 4 years, having anxiety for many years and then putting them all together while in a depression along with medication which naturally increases some bad symptoms while you are going on it and I've been prone to bad side effects in the past. I don't know where one starts and another ends.I recognise that my situation may be more complex than most but I am willing to look at anything and try quite a few ideas. It obviously would be nice to clear up one of the issues (preferably the worst one of course!) so that I can work on the others and eventually get to a place of happiness, planning for a future and enjoying each day for what it is. As I said, I don't know where one thing starts and another ends so I don't know how to get better as every change affects me and concerns me which makes the next symptom worse and the cycle goes round and round.
