T
teddybear
Guest
Dear Prayer Partners
I come to you for prayer regarding the MAJOR AMOUNT OF SIN in my life. I ask you all to come along side of me now, in my brokenness, to ask forgiveness for all sin and ask for help turning away from it. True Repentance! I ask for God to take my life into His strong hands and glue this broken vessel together again. There is a book called "God uses cracked pots", and I know The potter can still use this shattered vase.
I know I can climb out of this pit even if all the pieces are not found or fixed , I can be a gift to others who are in need of life rope!!!
For years I have been asking God to forgive me and I have been trying? to repent. But after yet another morning fight edged on by my husband but definitely made waaaaaayyyyyy bigger and worse by me
because I couldn't just let him vent about my lack of housewife skills.
I had to point out his flaws, his lack of finishing stuff, I had to open my big, big, big, mouth! The fight was then tagged teamed by our kids, who agree that I am crazy and lazy and demanding, weird....etc.
And then that just makes me more angry and defensive because I feel they always blame me for everything. So the I act really act silly and say mean things. I do not like that. I know better than that.
I need prayer for my temper, my selfishness, lack of discipline, mouth, mind, etc.
Then comes the crying and me asking forgiveness and my husband, who is a withdrawer, not wanting to accept it. Then I beg. It gets even more silly. Then the kids say you are really ridiculous and dramatic and on and on. I feel like I have become the bad little girl again. Because I lost my brain and intelligence for time, they think they are the parents of me. And they were, they helped me so much. But, now, I want to be a grown up again, and notscolded for my bad housekeeping. To again, you know, be the mom.
Like steam released from a bursting kettle, my family is relieved and maybe even bit more peaceful after these fights. It is all out in the open. But, I don't feel better, stress and guilt consume me even more, and make me tired. Which makes me sleep more. And forget more. And get distracted and not finish stuff more. And, the circle starts again. And, I know that "you NEVER do anything around here" will be in my ears very soon. I do things, but they don't show up as big. There is not four inches of dust or anything. Just mess, and clutter, and laundry, and unorganized. I have seen worse. But, they think this is the worst. So. I need prayer to create a peaceful home.
They, even complain if I come on this site. Oh you made little computer friends, how nice. You were wasting time again. You are computer stalking. It seems my every move is under a microscope and analysed. Right now they have went to town to get some parts, I don't go with, because I feel guilty. But, I think this time, this prayer is more important that doing some dishes, right now. I am going to do some very soon.
I do know that I do waste time. And, need to manage it better. Please pray for me to set apart a time for this, worship of God, devotional time, and other things that I enjoy, but help to be more diligent in my digging out of the pit. There will time afterward I know.
The kids do stuff, they do. But, it is the clean up of what has been done, that everyone avoids. it is the weeding, the tree trimming, the laundry putting away, the bill paying. Anything fun like baking or riding a lawn tractor gets done.It is the tidy up time or yucky stuff no one wants to do. And, that is the mess that has grown soooooooo huge. Plus I have clutter and paperwork and memory items to go through. I just alway had felt like I hit a brick wall. Like I just couldn't start. I need prayer for the excitement of a clean home to come back. And I need prayer to start.
And, I have 3 - 5 hours of energy in the day now, but often don't sleep at night. So, I need prayer for accountability and the wanting to finish a job. And for me to utilize the gift of these hours in a proper way. I can do this later with a lower energy level. So, pray I can focus and keep a list and look at that list and find that list. : )
I dont care anymore who is more right, who is more important, who should do what. I just want peace. And I want it to begin with me.]"Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me". A song I used to sing. (I am soooo very thankful to God our loving Father, for slowly letting my memory return bit by bit!!! Songs are coming back to me!)
So, I need major prayer for me to be the best I can be with these health issues. But, also for my family to notice and appreciate the change or at least acknowledge that I am trying. I need prayer to start fresh without the history. I need prayer for forgiveness from God and from family for everything.
Some have said to me, that my worth is not in my home, true. And that I should just pick away at, but I have been, and the mess is growing anyway. I have to do more than pick a weed here and there . I have to till. I have prune. I have to water this life of ours. If my husband needs a cleaner, less chaotic home and it is the root of most of our fights, then I need to do this. I need to feed those roots proper food. We need a strong foundation to hold the tree steadfastly to it's home while the wind and storm are howling. (I confess, I was an english/drama major and was thinking of teaching or writing. but, I did not get to finish.)
I am not saved because I have a clean home. I am saved through Grace!!!! But I just want a clean home. I want my husband to want to come home, to me. Not dread it. I want him to be proud of me. And, to love me.
And, maybe even see the old girl of his youth. I want to give him this gift. I want to be that good wife.
I was a neat freak and ridiculous with Q-tips and 20 kinds of cookies decorated at Christmas. You know overkill. Before my brain bleed when I was busy proving that I was an ok wife and mother.
I never felt my husband thought I was quite good enough for him. I had not been a Christian in the past, and he had. I felt never really forgave me for that. I pray now that he will.
I burt the candle at both ends and basically killed my own adrenal glands And although I don't want to go back to that, I acknowledge that I did let the place slowly slip into the abyss.
I could have tried harder at the beginning before I got so overly exhausted and confused. But, I thought I was sick then. Little did I know just how bad it would get. It would get to the point where I fell asleep
everywhere. Even at the table. Little did I know, that I would sink this low before I knew brokenness and had a true desire to please God and then my family.
I can't change what I didn't or couldn't do. But I can change the healing, more energetic, less forgetting me! The me of today!!! I can live with the expression of true thankfulness to our Abba Father
for allowing me to live. I can live. I want to live.
I want to put aside my sins of self pity, selfishness, pride, greed, unthankfulness, jealousy of others and even of my own husband and kids, unbridled anger and thoughts and words, undisciplined, unorganized,
as well as lack of commitment to God and life. I don't want to be lukewarm. I want to be on fire. I had a small taste of that earlier on in life. And, then I got self-centred. I was kinda showing off. Which is now so
funny because God giveth and taketh away. He gave me the gifts. He allowed me to serve. I forgot that. I am sorry.
And that, I believe is why God allowed me to lose all I have lost. I needed to not think I had enough and was broken;I needed to KNOW that I have had enough TO BE broken. And, I am there now.
And it brings me great joy and inner peace knowing that our God has forgiven my sins through the sacrifice of our Dear Lord Jesus Christ!!!!! But, this is not about listing my some of my many sins really
or thinking I won't sin again. I am human.
But, this is about this day where I have asked our Lord to forgive me for not listening closer and for being so busy with His work? that I forgot to simply be still and Know that He IS God.
I forgot, a worship team member, to give him daily worship time. I dabbled in being thankful. I dabbled in showing my life to the world. I preached it at sunday school, a worn Bible
is a Sign of relying upon the Lord etc. I could talk the talk but I really didn't walk the walk. I crawled. I did not put a full effort in.
I am so truly sorry for my own selfish ways.I ask God now to forgive me for not appreciating the many gifts he had given me to use. And for not giving Him all the Glory, but rather still wanting to be part of His backdrop on stage.I confess my sin. I am ready to change. And, even if I never sing again, or teach again, or am on the church board, or the leader of the Sunday School etc., I just want to
live thankfully. I just want to be a better example to my children and husband. I am ok with a small life. I am ok with affecting just one heart. Because that one heart will affect at one other.
And, of course that one other will affect at least one other ..... on and on. So my tiny spark can help light the fire!!! for our Lord.
Someone wrote a country song about "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, and mama my intentions were the best...." That was me. My intentions were the best. But now I want to
give those intentions feet. I am ready to start toddling again and then hopefully walking the walk. Maybe one day I will run. But, if not. I will do my best with the me I am now
I think it is more than time to lay my pride, a sin, down and publicly ask for not only for forgiveness but the ability and strong desire to change. The ability to be more "hot than luke warm" for our
Precious Creator of all. And give Him the Glory He so deserves!!!
I could stand up in the Church, but I did not go again. Tired. Some of this tiredness is my own fault, because I have not been disciplined enough to try to change my sleeping habits.
I already knew in my heart, that God allowed all these illnesses to make me slow down. Because I always was a people pleaser and took on way too much, but not for God's Glory, but rather to help boast my
own low self image. I wanted to look like I had it all together, was creative, clean, kind, a good Christian wife, basically I wanted God's Glory I guess. Pride. He gave the gifts, I should share them, right?
So, like the song, "when the music fades.... and all gets stripped away... Here I am to Worship." God slowly took "things" away that meant a lot to me,: my intelligence, reasoning skills, speech, singing voice, etc...
And, I wonder, If I would have been broken sooner, if I would have had to lose so much. But, I don't care. I am here now! And, I am ready now!
So today is THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!! I TRUELY WANT TO GIVE UP ME! ALL OF ME!!!
My selfish wants and behaviour because I was not getting what I wanted has lead me to become an angry, big mouthed, person who wants to be heard. I don't like that version of me.
I want to be better. I want to be soft and tender and loving again. I don't want to be bitter. I want to live in Thankfulness! And, I will.
Oh, I will be still asking for prayer about needs or wants and I will praying for people's needs and wants. But I will be thinking a little more clearly and a little more realistically.
And I will be letting God be God and listening more. I will be letting Him slowly dust out my heart.
In Jesus Name, I pray. AMEN.
I love you all. I pray for you all.
And I am sorry this is so long. xo bev.
I come to you for prayer regarding the MAJOR AMOUNT OF SIN in my life. I ask you all to come along side of me now, in my brokenness, to ask forgiveness for all sin and ask for help turning away from it. True Repentance! I ask for God to take my life into His strong hands and glue this broken vessel together again. There is a book called "God uses cracked pots", and I know The potter can still use this shattered vase.
I know I can climb out of this pit even if all the pieces are not found or fixed , I can be a gift to others who are in need of life rope!!!
For years I have been asking God to forgive me and I have been trying? to repent. But after yet another morning fight edged on by my husband but definitely made waaaaaayyyyyy bigger and worse by me
because I couldn't just let him vent about my lack of housewife skills.
I had to point out his flaws, his lack of finishing stuff, I had to open my big, big, big, mouth! The fight was then tagged teamed by our kids, who agree that I am crazy and lazy and demanding, weird....etc.
And then that just makes me more angry and defensive because I feel they always blame me for everything. So the I act really act silly and say mean things. I do not like that. I know better than that.
I need prayer for my temper, my selfishness, lack of discipline, mouth, mind, etc.
Then comes the crying and me asking forgiveness and my husband, who is a withdrawer, not wanting to accept it. Then I beg. It gets even more silly. Then the kids say you are really ridiculous and dramatic and on and on. I feel like I have become the bad little girl again. Because I lost my brain and intelligence for time, they think they are the parents of me. And they were, they helped me so much. But, now, I want to be a grown up again, and notscolded for my bad housekeeping. To again, you know, be the mom.
Like steam released from a bursting kettle, my family is relieved and maybe even bit more peaceful after these fights. It is all out in the open. But, I don't feel better, stress and guilt consume me even more, and make me tired. Which makes me sleep more. And forget more. And get distracted and not finish stuff more. And, the circle starts again. And, I know that "you NEVER do anything around here" will be in my ears very soon. I do things, but they don't show up as big. There is not four inches of dust or anything. Just mess, and clutter, and laundry, and unorganized. I have seen worse. But, they think this is the worst. So. I need prayer to create a peaceful home.
They, even complain if I come on this site. Oh you made little computer friends, how nice. You were wasting time again. You are computer stalking. It seems my every move is under a microscope and analysed. Right now they have went to town to get some parts, I don't go with, because I feel guilty. But, I think this time, this prayer is more important that doing some dishes, right now. I am going to do some very soon.
I do know that I do waste time. And, need to manage it better. Please pray for me to set apart a time for this, worship of God, devotional time, and other things that I enjoy, but help to be more diligent in my digging out of the pit. There will time afterward I know.
The kids do stuff, they do. But, it is the clean up of what has been done, that everyone avoids. it is the weeding, the tree trimming, the laundry putting away, the bill paying. Anything fun like baking or riding a lawn tractor gets done.It is the tidy up time or yucky stuff no one wants to do. And, that is the mess that has grown soooooooo huge. Plus I have clutter and paperwork and memory items to go through. I just alway had felt like I hit a brick wall. Like I just couldn't start. I need prayer for the excitement of a clean home to come back. And I need prayer to start.
And, I have 3 - 5 hours of energy in the day now, but often don't sleep at night. So, I need prayer for accountability and the wanting to finish a job. And for me to utilize the gift of these hours in a proper way. I can do this later with a lower energy level. So, pray I can focus and keep a list and look at that list and find that list. : )
I dont care anymore who is more right, who is more important, who should do what. I just want peace. And I want it to begin with me.]"Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me". A song I used to sing. (I am soooo very thankful to God our loving Father, for slowly letting my memory return bit by bit!!! Songs are coming back to me!)
So, I need major prayer for me to be the best I can be with these health issues. But, also for my family to notice and appreciate the change or at least acknowledge that I am trying. I need prayer to start fresh without the history. I need prayer for forgiveness from God and from family for everything.
Some have said to me, that my worth is not in my home, true. And that I should just pick away at, but I have been, and the mess is growing anyway. I have to do more than pick a weed here and there . I have to till. I have prune. I have to water this life of ours. If my husband needs a cleaner, less chaotic home and it is the root of most of our fights, then I need to do this. I need to feed those roots proper food. We need a strong foundation to hold the tree steadfastly to it's home while the wind and storm are howling. (I confess, I was an english/drama major and was thinking of teaching or writing. but, I did not get to finish.)
I am not saved because I have a clean home. I am saved through Grace!!!! But I just want a clean home. I want my husband to want to come home, to me. Not dread it. I want him to be proud of me. And, to love me.
And, maybe even see the old girl of his youth. I want to give him this gift. I want to be that good wife.
I was a neat freak and ridiculous with Q-tips and 20 kinds of cookies decorated at Christmas. You know overkill. Before my brain bleed when I was busy proving that I was an ok wife and mother.
I never felt my husband thought I was quite good enough for him. I had not been a Christian in the past, and he had. I felt never really forgave me for that. I pray now that he will.
I burt the candle at both ends and basically killed my own adrenal glands And although I don't want to go back to that, I acknowledge that I did let the place slowly slip into the abyss.
I could have tried harder at the beginning before I got so overly exhausted and confused. But, I thought I was sick then. Little did I know just how bad it would get. It would get to the point where I fell asleep
everywhere. Even at the table. Little did I know, that I would sink this low before I knew brokenness and had a true desire to please God and then my family.
I can't change what I didn't or couldn't do. But I can change the healing, more energetic, less forgetting me! The me of today!!! I can live with the expression of true thankfulness to our Abba Father
for allowing me to live. I can live. I want to live.
I want to put aside my sins of self pity, selfishness, pride, greed, unthankfulness, jealousy of others and even of my own husband and kids, unbridled anger and thoughts and words, undisciplined, unorganized,
as well as lack of commitment to God and life. I don't want to be lukewarm. I want to be on fire. I had a small taste of that earlier on in life. And, then I got self-centred. I was kinda showing off. Which is now so
funny because God giveth and taketh away. He gave me the gifts. He allowed me to serve. I forgot that. I am sorry.
And that, I believe is why God allowed me to lose all I have lost. I needed to not think I had enough and was broken;I needed to KNOW that I have had enough TO BE broken. And, I am there now.
And it brings me great joy and inner peace knowing that our God has forgiven my sins through the sacrifice of our Dear Lord Jesus Christ!!!!! But, this is not about listing my some of my many sins really
or thinking I won't sin again. I am human.
But, this is about this day where I have asked our Lord to forgive me for not listening closer and for being so busy with His work? that I forgot to simply be still and Know that He IS God.
I forgot, a worship team member, to give him daily worship time. I dabbled in being thankful. I dabbled in showing my life to the world. I preached it at sunday school, a worn Bible
is a Sign of relying upon the Lord etc. I could talk the talk but I really didn't walk the walk. I crawled. I did not put a full effort in.
I am so truly sorry for my own selfish ways.I ask God now to forgive me for not appreciating the many gifts he had given me to use. And for not giving Him all the Glory, but rather still wanting to be part of His backdrop on stage.I confess my sin. I am ready to change. And, even if I never sing again, or teach again, or am on the church board, or the leader of the Sunday School etc., I just want to
live thankfully. I just want to be a better example to my children and husband. I am ok with a small life. I am ok with affecting just one heart. Because that one heart will affect at one other.
And, of course that one other will affect at least one other ..... on and on. So my tiny spark can help light the fire!!! for our Lord.
Someone wrote a country song about "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, and mama my intentions were the best...." That was me. My intentions were the best. But now I want to
give those intentions feet. I am ready to start toddling again and then hopefully walking the walk. Maybe one day I will run. But, if not. I will do my best with the me I am now
I think it is more than time to lay my pride, a sin, down and publicly ask for not only for forgiveness but the ability and strong desire to change. The ability to be more "hot than luke warm" for our
Precious Creator of all. And give Him the Glory He so deserves!!!
I could stand up in the Church, but I did not go again. Tired. Some of this tiredness is my own fault, because I have not been disciplined enough to try to change my sleeping habits.
I already knew in my heart, that God allowed all these illnesses to make me slow down. Because I always was a people pleaser and took on way too much, but not for God's Glory, but rather to help boast my
own low self image. I wanted to look like I had it all together, was creative, clean, kind, a good Christian wife, basically I wanted God's Glory I guess. Pride. He gave the gifts, I should share them, right?
So, like the song, "when the music fades.... and all gets stripped away... Here I am to Worship." God slowly took "things" away that meant a lot to me,: my intelligence, reasoning skills, speech, singing voice, etc...
And, I wonder, If I would have been broken sooner, if I would have had to lose so much. But, I don't care. I am here now! And, I am ready now!
So today is THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!! I TRUELY WANT TO GIVE UP ME! ALL OF ME!!!
My selfish wants and behaviour because I was not getting what I wanted has lead me to become an angry, big mouthed, person who wants to be heard. I don't like that version of me.
I want to be better. I want to be soft and tender and loving again. I don't want to be bitter. I want to live in Thankfulness! And, I will.
Oh, I will be still asking for prayer about needs or wants and I will praying for people's needs and wants. But I will be thinking a little more clearly and a little more realistically.
And I will be letting God be God and listening more. I will be letting Him slowly dust out my heart.
In Jesus Name, I pray. AMEN.
I love you all. I pray for you all.
And I am sorry this is so long. xo bev.
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