anal sex

I have schizoaffective disorder during my relaps having stopped meds I got thoughts telling me dat if I engaged in anal sex I would receive my healing.so while I was alone with a certain young kid...while he was asleep I put my penis between his bottoms trying to see if I would get healed it...

I feel guilty and ashamed but I need help...last year I had sexual intercourse with a gay man. But I am not gay.just that I had spent years watching anal sex on porn...this resulted in my desire to actually do it.but I never met a woman ready to engage in it. Then I resorted to a gay man now I...